I don't usually post personal stuff on this blog. I try to keep it craft-oriented. I worry about getting too "involved" with the blog world. Some people don't want to know my inner most thoughts and feelings about things. I understand that. I feel the same way sometimes.
Sometimes, though, I have these little thoughts and wonder what others out there would think if I asked them certain questions that pop up in my mind.
I think it shows a certain respect and trust I have for you guys, that I can put words to thoughts swimming around in my brain, and expect answers from you.
Hubs and I went out on a date last night. I real, one-on-one date. No kids. Just us two. We had a wonderful time shopping and eating at a fancy restaurant. We tried to find a reason for all the excess and decided some good events at Hubs work were reason enough!
During dinner, we had a good conversation. A miracle! And, I'm sure we all have thoughts on motherhood. I know a lot of my thoughts are, "man, I'm a crappy mom. I could be so much better!" Are yours like that, too?
I posed this question to my Hub, and guess what he said? Not, "no, you are the best mom in the whole world!" or, "our kids are lucky to have you as their mother!"
Not my hubby. He's as honest as they come. I think that's one of the reasons I love him so much. Or that I like to throw toys at his head sometimes.
On this occasion, he asked me "well, what kind of mom do you want to be?"
And you know what? I didn't know how to answer him. I mean, I always knew I would be a mom. I knew I would stay home with my kids, too.
But, if I'm going to be honest, I never really thought past that. It's kind of like waiting your whole life to get married and after you have your wedding, you wonder....now what?
I love my kids. With all my heart. But, what kind of mother do I want to be to them?
The kind that plays with them? The kind that bakes with them? The kind that helps them with their homework or piano or sports? The kind that reads to them and teaches them at every opportunity? The kind that shows them how to serve or how to be gracious in defeat?
Or do I want to be the kind of mom that admits she's not a cook and doesn't enjoy it in the least? Or the kind that encourages them to go outside at every opportunity and when I join them I end up doing yard work? Do I want to be the kind of mom that encourages reading but then hustles them out of the library because they all have to go to the bathroom, or one of them is running around, hiding from me and the other is yelling at the top of her lungs?
I think you know where I'm going with this.
I feel like I'm just trying to survive mommy-hood right now....and really, I should be enjoying it a bit more. Sometimes, it's important for me to remember that even though these kids take up a lot of our time and energy, they are only ours for so long before they leave and go off on their own. Sure, they'll come back every once in awhile. But right now, they want to be with us. They want to give us hugs and kisses and spend time with us. And I think remembering that makes all the difference.
But, still...I want to know....and I'm still trying to figure it out...
What kind of Mother do you want to be?